I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dick very happy bro
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
