Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
