I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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