so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
