My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
