i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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