Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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