I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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