I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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