I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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