Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
