Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize