I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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