I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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