i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
