if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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