hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
