I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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