She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
