Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
