omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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