I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
