don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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