I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
