I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
