I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I got inside last night via doggy door
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
