Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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