every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
