you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
