Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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