my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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