3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
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YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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