You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
