just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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