I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize