On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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