Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
