Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
home. puking in laundry basket.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
