Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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