Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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