And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Randomize
