a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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