I accidentally had phone sex last night
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
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usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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