Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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