Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
