On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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