Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
