he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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