How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
this hospital has no fireball
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
