I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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