I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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