I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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