I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
