I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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