he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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