Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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