im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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