i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
