Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
