3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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