i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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