If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
