Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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