bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
