He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I checked into jail on foursquare
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
